In a world that often celebrates individualism and personal success, we find ourselves caught up in the pursuit of self-esteem, sometimes at the expense of our relationships. In this article, I want to highlight the important distinction between individual esteem and relational esteem. We’ll explore the differences between these two concepts, why an overemphasis on individual esteem can strain relationships through a me vs. you dynamic,  what relational esteem is, and practical ways couples can cultivate it for healthier, more fulfilling partnerships.

 The Cult of Individual Esteem

 From an early age, we're encouraged to build our individual self-esteem. This isn’t a negative thing…but the part that unfortunately gets missed is discussion around what it means to be in relationship and how to navigate our individual esteem and independence when we are in relationship.  Messages such as "follow your dreams," "be your own person," and "put yourself first" permeate our culture. While there's undeniable value in nurturing self-worth and personal growth, an excessive focus on individual esteem can inadvertently harm our relationships.

 The Individual Esteem Pitfall

1. Independence Over Interdependence: The pursuit of high individual esteem often promotes independence to the detriment of interdependence. It's vital to recognize that healthy relationships thrive on the notion that two individuals can complement and support each other rather than competing. 

For instance, consider a scenario where one partner is solely focused on advancing their career, aiming for promotions and recognition, while neglecting the emotional needs of their relationship. Over time, this unbalanced pursuit of individual success can create distance and resentment between partners. The relationship may become a mere backdrop to individual pursuits rather than a source of support and fulfillment.

2. Emotional Disconnect: An overemphasis on individual esteem can lead to emotional disconnect in relationships. When we prioritise our own needs, desires, and emotions above all else, we may inadvertently disregard or dismiss our partner's feelings, leading to conflicts and emotional distance.

For example, imagine a situation where one partner is dealing with a challenging personal issue but feels compelled to hide it due to their focus on maintaining a "strong" and "independent" image. This suppression of vulnerability can hinder emotional intimacy and create a sense of isolation within the relationship.

 3. Lack of Empathy: A focus on individual esteem can diminish our capacity for empathy and understanding in our relationships. It becomes challenging to truly comprehend and validate our partner's emotions when our primary focus is on ourselves – even if it’s keeping ourselves safe from hurt and pain.

Consider a scenario where one partner has had a difficult day at work and seeks comfort and understanding from their significant other. However, if the other partner is preoccupied with their own achievements and struggles, they might respond with impatience or indifference, leaving the first partner feeling unheard and unsupported.

The Shift to Relational Esteem

Enter the concept of relational esteem, championed by Terry Real, my mentor.  Relational esteem shifts the focus from individual success to the success of the relationship itself. It recognizes that a thriving partnership requires both individuals to feel valued and appreciated within the context of their togetherness.

Understanding Relational Esteem

1. Interdependence: Relational esteem acknowledges that healthy relationships are built on interdependence—a balance of individuality and shared connection. It's about recognizing that your partner's well-being is intertwined with your own.

For example, consider a couple where both partners prioritize their relationship's success as a joint venture. They understand that supporting each other's individual growth enhances the partnership's strength. This mutual commitment to each other's well-being nurtures a sense of shared purpose and fulfillment.

2. Empathy and Connection: It places a high value on empathy and emotional connection. When you prioritize relational esteem, you actively seek to understand your partner's feelings and experiences, fostering emotional intimacy.

Imagine a scenario where one partner is experiencing stress due to work-related issues. In a relationship characterized by relational esteem, the other partner responds with empathy and offers a listening ear, creating a safe space for the stressed partner to express their concerns. This empathetic connection strengthens their bond and reinforces their sense of mutual support.

3. Mutual Growth: Relational esteem promotes the idea that both partners can grow and evolve together, supporting each other's personal development while nurturing the relationship's growth.

Think of a couple who set aside time for joint activities and personal growth pursuits. They encourage each other's interests and passions, recognizing that their individual achievements contribute to the enrichment of their shared life. This approach not only fuels personal fulfillment but also deepens their connection as a couple.

Cultivating Relational Esteem

Now that we understand the importance of relational esteem, let's explore practical ways couples can work on developing it:

 1. Open Communication: Encourage open, honest, and non-judgmental communication. Create a safe space where both partners can express their thoughts and feelings freely.

For example, imagine a couple who regularly engages in open discussions about their relationship dynamics. They use "I" statements to express their needs and concerns without blaming each other. This open communication fosters trust and understanding, laying the foundation for relational esteem.

 2. Practice Empathy: Make an effort to understand your partner's perspective. Ask questions, listen actively, and validate their emotions even if you don't agree with them.

Consider a situation where one partner expresses dissatisfaction with a particular aspect of the relationship. Instead of becoming defensive, the other partner practices empathy by asking questions to better understand their feelings. This empathetic approach helps resolve the issue constructively. 

3. Shared Goals: Identify and work towards shared goals and dreams as a couple. Celebrate each other's successes and support each other through challenges.

 Imagine a couple who have set shared financial goals, such as saving for a dream vacation. They create a joint budget and actively contribute to their savings. When they reach their savings target, they celebrate together, recognizing the achievement as a result of their joint effort. This shared goal reinforces their sense of partnership and relational esteem.

4. Conflict Resolution: Learn healthy conflict resolution techniques. Disagreements and ruptures are inevitable, but how you handle them can either strengthen or weaken your relational esteem.

For example, picture a couple who experience occasional conflicts related to household responsibilities. Instead of engaging in blame or avoidance, they use a structured conflict resolution approach. They discuss their concerns calmly and collaboratively, take responsibility for their part, and find mutually agreeable solutions. This constructive approach enhances their relational esteem by demonstrating their ability to resolve issues as a team.

5. Quality Time: Spend quality time together. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that strengthen your bond.

Think of a couple who regularly dedicates time to shared hobbies or interests. These shared experiences create lasting memories and reinforce their sense of togetherness, contributing to their relational esteem.

6. Couples Therapy: Of course, I’m going to suggest that you consider seeking couples therapy or counselling because you Whether it’s me or another therapist, a trained therapist can provide valuable guidance and tools for building relational esteem.

While individual esteem is important, a shift towards relational esteem can transform your relationship from a competition into a partnership, fostering deeper emotional connections and mutual growth. By recognizing the value of interdependence, empathy, and shared goals, couples can create a strong foundation of relational esteem that sustains their love and intimacy. So, in your journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, remember that it's not just about "me," but also about "us." Embrace the power of relational esteem, and feel your relationship thrive.

If you would like to explore how to integrate more relational esteem into your relationship, you can book your appointment with Biannka, Couples Therapist here.