Relational Trauma: how it impacts us and our relationships
I would like to take a little time to explore relational trauma. Trauma comes in many different forms and not all traumatic memories or experiences are the same. When we talk about trauma, I think so many of us think of physical abuse, neglect or sexual abuse and believe that because these things did not unfold for them, that their childhoods were pretty normal – and they might have been…but there is another element to consider which is referred to as Relational Trauma.
What is Relational Trauma
Relational trauma, also known as attachment trauma, can appear in various forms. However typically relational trauma occurs in consistent, long-term experiences of emotional, psychological neglect or disruption or instability within significant relationships. These relationships may include family, romantic relationships, partners, caregivers, or close friends.
I want to be really clear before we go on. Recognising that we may have experienced Relational Trauma in our lives is not about blame. It is not about making excuses for our behaviour. It is about bringing more awareness to our experience so that we can better understand ourselves and make sense of why we do the things we do, and how we might go about healing.
The experience of Relational Trauma can give rise to any number of adaptive behaviours. Because of our genius when we are young (don’t worry, I still think you’re brilliant) it is natural for us to create adaptations when we experience something that feels overwhelming for us. We might decide for example that we are never going to feel that amount of aloneness ever again so we decide for example, we just don’t need anyone and grow to avoid getting close to people…or we might decide that we can never be alone again so we make sure that those around us are always happy with us and become ardent people pleasers or we - the possibilities are as endless as they are genius. Sometimes genius adaptive behaviours we create when we are young, can become stuck and turn out to be maladaptive as we grow older. Adaptive then, maladaptive now.
So, in this post we will be looking at different types of trauma, what relational trauma is, what causes relational trauma, the impact of it and how we might heal.
Big "T" & Little "t" trauma
Big 'T' Trauma
Big 'T' Trauma, also known as acute trauma, refers to significant and often life-threatening events that can shatter an individual's sense of safety and well-being. Some common examples of Big 'T' Trauma include:
Life-threatening accidents: Surviving a near-death experience, such as a car accident or a plane accident, can lead to Big “T” Trauma.
Physical and sexual abuse: These acts involve direct harm or violence against an individual and often lead to severe and immediate trauma.
Combat experiences: Military personnel exposed to combat situations may develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the extreme stress and danger they face.
Natural disasters: Events like earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis can cause widespread devastation and trauma on a large scale.
Common Consequences of Big “T” Trauma
Substance Abuse: Some individuals turn to substance abuse as a way to cope with the overwhelming emotions and memories associated with Big "T" Trauma.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Many individuals who experience Big "T" Trauma develop PTSD, characterized by intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety related to the traumatic event.
Depression and Anxiety: Trauma survivors often struggle with depression and anxiety disorders, which can affect their daily functioning and quality of life.
Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts: Some individuals resort to self-harm or experience suicidal thoughts as a way to cope with the overwhelming emotional pain associated with Big "T" Trauma.
Dissociation: Dissociation involves a disconnection from one's thoughts, identity, consciousness, or memory. It can be a way to mentally escape the distressing impact of trauma.
Relationship Challenges: Trauma can strain relationships, as survivors may struggle with trust issues, emotional regulation, and communication problems.
Physical Health Issues: Trauma can lead to physical health problems, including chronic pain, sleep disturbances, and increased risk of certain medical conditions.
Little “t” Trauma
Little "t" Trauma encompasses a wide range of distressing experiences. These experiences are often subjective, and what may be traumatic to one person may not be to another, often depending on what support was available to them over the period. Some common examples of Little 't' Trauma include:
Childhood Emotional Neglect: Growing up in an environment where emotional needs are consistently unmet can leave lasting scars and adaptations.
Grief and Loss: Coping with the death of a loved one or the end of a significant relationship can be a source of Little "t" Trauma.
Chronic Illness: Dealing with a prolonged health issue or watching a loved one suffer can be deeply distressing.
Harassment and Discrimmination: Repeated harassment, exclusion or discrimination in school or at work can erode self-esteem and confidence.
Toxic Relationships: Long-term exposure to manipulative or emotionally abusive partners or friends can cause emotional harm.
Financial Instability: Persistent financial difficulties can create a sense of powerlessness and insecurity.
Common Consequences of Little "t" Trauma
Inner Critic: A habit of self-criticism and self-blame.
Anxiety and Depression: Persistent feelings of anxiety or depression that don't seem to have a clear cause.
Low Self-Esteem: A diminished sense of self-worth, often accompanied by feelings of guilt or shame.
Relationship Challenges: Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships due to trust issues or emotional barriers.
Emotional Dysregulation: Difficulty managing emotions, leading to emotional outbursts or emotional numbness.
Physical Symptoms: Unexplained physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, or fatigue, often stemming from the stress response.
What Causes Relational Trauma?
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence has profound and enduring impacts on children, affecting their development into adulthood. Witnessing domestic violence can inflict Relational Trauma leading to fear, anxiety, depression and diminished self-esteem well into adulthood having significant impacts on individual mental health and their relationships.
Family Dynamics and Roles
Dysfunctional family systems, such as those characterized by experiences of emotional abuse (made to feel worthless, unloved, alone or scared), physical abuse, as well as neglect during childhood, a family member or caregiver with addiction, co-dependency, or confluence (being overly involved or connected to someone), physical abandonment are all causes of relational trauma.
Moreover, we learn to adapt to the experiences we have as children and these adaptations or creative adjustments can become stuck patterns of behaviour that we take into adulthood affecting the relationship we have with ourselves and others.
Abandonment
Repeated experiences of abandonment or rejection by caregivers or loved ones can cause profound relational wounds. Whether through physical absence or emotional neglect, abandonment is a pervasive theme in relational trauma, deeply affecting individuals who have endured it. Such experiences can leave lasting emotional scars, leading to feelings of rejection, insecurity, and a persistent fear of future abandonment in subsequent relationships.
These traumas often distort one's self-worth and ability to trust others, resulting in patterns of seeking out or recreating relationships that perpetuate the cycle of abandonment. Therapy for relational trauma typically involves addressing these deep-seated feelings, working through associated pain and fear, and helping individuals rebuild a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth in their interactions with others.
Inconsistent attachment figures and emotional neglect
You may have experienced caregivers whose behaviour was erratic and unpredictable, leading to feelings of anxiety and insecurity. These caregivers may have been emotionally unavailable (possibly due to their own trauma or mental health) or unresponsive to the child's needs, leaving them with a sense of being unimportant or unloved.
Confluence
Confluence refers to a closely intertwined and blurred boundary between individuals in an intimate relationship, which can be closely linked to relational trauma. This phenomenon often emerges in families or intimate partnerships where personal boundaries become so diffuse that it becomes challenging for individuals to cultivate a healthy sense of self and autonomy.
This situation can lead to one's identity and well-being becoming deeply entwined with the experiences and emotions of another. Confluence can itself be traumatic, as it restricts an individual's ability to establish their own boundaries, make autonomous choices, and express their authentic self. Furthermore, confluence can be a consequence of relational trauma, as it sometimes serves as a coping mechanism for individuals who have endured traumatic relationships in the past.
Recognizing the connection between confluence and relational trauma is crucial in therapeutic work, as addressing both issues is often necessary for individuals to reclaim their autonomy and foster healthier, more balanced relationships.
Some of the Impacts of Relational Trauma
Knowing some of the causes of Relational Trauma can be revealing and the subsequent impact on our mental and emotional wellbeing is complex and far-reaching.
Emotional Dysregulation: Trauma survivors often struggle with being able to regulate their emotions, and can experience intense swings, anxiety, depression, and, at times, dissociation. These emotional fluctuations can hinder their ability to cope with stress and engage in healthy, stable relationships often leading to self-medicating behaviours, domestic violence or addictions as ways to dial down the overwhelming feelings in their bodies.
Attachment Issues: People who have experienced Relational Trauma often struggle to establish secure, healthy attachments in intimate relationships. This trauma can create obstacles to trusting and forming deep emotional connections with others, resulting in difficulties maintaining fulfilling relationships.
Diminished Self-worth and Esteem: The emotional wounds inflicted by trauma can engender pervasive feelings of shame and self-blame, ultimately undermining one's self-confidence and contributing to a negative self-image.
Trust Issues: Survivors of Relational Trauma often grapple with profound trust issues. The experiences of betrayal or abandonment can create lasting emotional scars, making it challenging to trust others and even oneself. This lack of trust can hinder the development of deep, meaningful connections.
Modelling: In a complex and unconscious manner, some of us model the patterns of our past relationship trauma in our adult relationships. This modelling can perpetuate a cycle of relational dysfunction, as individuals unknowingly model the dynamics they experienced during their early relationships despite rejecting those behaviours when we were younger.
How to navigate the impact of from relational trauma
Therapy
Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a therapist who is aware of how to support you to bring awareness to how your past may be impacting your now due to Relational Trauma will slowly support you to create the changes you wish to see in your life.
Mindfulness Practices:
Mindfulness meditation, yoga , conscious breathing and relaxation exercises can enhance emotional regulation and self-awareness. Through mindfulness practices, individuals learn to manage overwhelming emotions more effectively building self-trust and esteem.
Self-Compassion
Cultivating self-compassion, practising kindness and warm regard towards yourself can help you to remember your worth. This involves treating yourself with kindness and fostering a positive self-image, counteracting the negative beliefs that often result from relational trauma.
Boundaries:
Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is critical in preventing reclaiming lost self-esteem and cultivating good, healthy functional adult relationships without the fear of losing the people we care about.
Rebuilding Trust and Safety Within
The process of rebuilding trust, both in oneself and in others, is essential. This may involve learning strategies to address trust issues, building our tolerance to sit with uncomfortable emotional feelings and practices to help us recognise how our nervous system is experiencing the environment around us.
Support Networks:
Building a strong, helpful support network can help individuals feel less isolated, co-regulate and to learn from others.
Trauma is diverse and exists along a spectrum, with all experiences holding equal importance in understanding how individuals were impacted and how these experiences continue to shape their lives. As humans, we tend to compare traumatic events and may downplay our own experiences or those of others if they seem less significant however I hope, by now, you will be aware of how your childhood experiences may be playing a part in how you do your life today.
If you're ready to begin your journey towards healing, consider scheduling an appointment or getting in touch via email. Bringing awareness to your experience can help you both regain balance in your life, improve your mental and emotional wellbeing and support healthy relationships.