The Gift of Self-Compassion
Self- kindness means taking care and soothing ourselves when we are in pain or feeling overwhelmed.
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves for a more flexible, joyous and spontaneous life (…and holiday season) is self-compassion. If you are anything like me, having compassion for myself is something I have had to learn and something I also have to practice on a daily basis. Practising self-compassion has been life-changing in regards to how I feel about myself, my level of confidence, my willingness to try new things, having fulfilling relationships and basically living with a lot less anxiety.
When self-compassion is not present as a regular practice, we can tend to become bogged down with self-criticism and we can also push our loved ones away. The negative and limiting self-talk takes a toll on our minds and bodies, decreasing our productivity, spontaneity, self-esteem and confidence.
Dr Kristin Neff (www.self-compassion.org) has spent most of her professional career studying compassion, particularly how compassion transforms our lives when we apply it to ourselves. Below we will look at the core components of self-compassion, what self-compassion is not and some practices to explore and implement self-compassion in your daily life.
According to Dr. Neff, there are three core components of self-compassion which include self- kindness, common humanity, and awareness of suffering.
Self-kindness
Self- kindness means taking care and soothing ourselves when we are in pain or feeling overwhelmed. This means treating ourselves like we would a loved one, for example, if we were taking care of a sick friend or our child, how would we care for them? Would you sit beside them and offer them comfort so they weren’t alone, make them a hot cup of soup, suggest they go to bed early so they have a good rest? Self-kindness is an offering to ourselves where we take tender loving care of ourselves rather than, beating ourselves up about ‘the thing’.
Common humanity
This one is about reminding yourself that you are human and humans make mistakes…we get things wrong and it’s ok. We say the wrong things to our partners, we take things for granted, we forget things and it has dire consequences, we hurt the people we love the most in this world… It all hurts and acknowledging to ourselves that suffering is universal and is part of the shared human condition supports us to feel that we are allowed to get things wrong. Pain, failure, challenge and hardship happen to us all.
Awareness
Shining the light of awareness on our experience allows us to be with and validate our pain or patterns of behaviour with understanding and acceptance. Understanding ourselves and making sense of ourselves supports us to apply a healthy dose of self-compassion rather than continuing to operate on autopilot or criticising ourselves for the way we are. Once we understand ourselves, we can choose not to get stuck in the stories we tell ourselves and the feelings they produce.
Self-compassion is not…?
Self-compassion is not selfish. Sometimes we load ourselves up with guilt about putting our needs first or showing ourselves kindness, but if we are running on empty, we are not able to offer those around us the best version of ourselves.
If I am kind to myself, I might keep doing the same thing or not get better. Giving ourselves a hard time when wanting to improve at something is a fairly common strategy – the inner critic starts off with good intentions but the barrage of self-flagellation is counter-productive and activates the fight/flight nervous system response often resulting in anxiety and even depression as we develop fearful of trying new things or we have stripped away our inner worth. Imagine watching a friend walk around with someone who was constantly criticising them? It would only be a matter of time before they started to feel pretty rubbish about themselves.
Self-compassion is not making excuses for yourself. Making sense of your experience and feeling compassion towards yourself will more likely result in positive and meaningful change. Continuing to beat yourself up is more likely to result in more of the same, as you continue to reject parts of yourself.
Self-compassion is not self- indulgent and making bad choices in the name of self-compassion. Rather, people who practice self-compassion are more likely to make choices that support their mental and physical well-being because they have connected and acknowledged their pain (rather than disassociating or numbing) and know what practices will support them on this occasion.
Practices to support self-compassion
There are a ka-zillion different ways you can practice self-compassion and it’s important to find something that feels meaningful to you. Below are some tried and trusted ways that might inspire you borrowed from Kristen Neff’s work!
Treat yourself as if you were your best friend.
Think of a time when one of your friends has been having a difficult time. How did you support them? What types of things did you say to offer comfort to your friend? Write these things down taking note of how you feel when you see your friend in pan.
Now, write down how you respond to yourself when you’re having a hard time. Note any differences in how you responded to your friend and how you respond to yourself. Get curious about what it would be like for you to respond differently to yourself? What would change and what might stay the same?
Listening and taking note of your self-talk
When you become aware of your inner critic voice, acknowledge it, for example, ‘oh there I go again telling myself that I’m useless at this’. Then reframe it, for example ‘that’s not actually true but thanks for trying to keep me safe inner critic. What’s really true is that I am only new to this and I’m still learning.
In this process you are bringing awareness to your current ways of being and you are creating new practices to develop different neural pathways.
Supportive touch
This is one of my favourite ways to practice self-compassion. Physical touch actually activates the parasympathetic nervous system which calms our nervous system and helps us to feel safe in the world. Placing your hand on your heart and taking some deep breaths, breathing in to your heart space. If that doesn’t feel ok, try placing your hand on your stomach or stroking your hair; experiment with what feels right for you. I like to place one hand on my heart and the other on my forehead and I give my body and my mind thanks for carrying me through the day.
Compassion Break
Call to mind a situation that has been difficult for you and feel into the stress and discomfort in your body. Now move through the 3 components of self-compassion;
1) Acknowledge the pain and the difficult situation – this is a moment of suffering, this hurts my heart, this feels overwhelming, for example.
2) Knowing that you are not alone in your experience. Other people also feel this way. Everyone makes mistakes. Feeling this way is a very human way of feeling. Now, place your hands on your heart (or wherever on your body feels right for you) and say to yourself…may I be kind to myself.
3) May I be kind to myself – get curious about what you need in this moment to offer yourself kindness. ‘What do I need right now to show myself kindness’. See what comes up for you, listen and respond.
Let me know how you go and if you need support - know that you don’t have to do this alone. Book an appointment with me and let me support you – get in touch here